When you teach your child about hygiene, you will probably find that the challenge isn’t showing them how to stay clean. Children are smart, and understand from an early age how teeth brushing, hand soap, and showers work.

The main problem you are likely to encounter is how to teach your child the importance of hygiene. They might know how to shower, or bathe, but they showered already this month, so do they really need to do it again?

Even more so, if you can convince them that being clean is good, motivating them to engage regularly in daily hygiene tasks can be difficult. Knowing how to use a toothbrush is great. Few children race remember every morning and evening.

Why do children avoid basic hygiene tasks?

Most adults like to be clean. Even more so, we don’t want to smell bad. It can be hard to understand how children are so lackadaisical about washing.

So why doesn’t your child like hygiene tasks, and can you teach them to enjoy caring for their bodies?

There are many reasons that children may avoid hygiene tasks. Sometimes it could be related to sensory dislikes, such as not liking the taste of toothpaste, or how cold the bathroom is when they undress for a shower. Often, however, it is just that there are more exciting things to do. There are games to play or pictures to draw. Washing their hands or taking a shower might seem like a chore.

Motivation to stay clean

Adults have a variety of reasons to stay clean. We understand the social ramifications of leaving the house when we are stinky or have dirty clothes. Some of us know people who have lost teeth due to poor oral care, so we have learnt, through observation, the importance of brushing our teeth. We also are good at forward thinking. We know how nice it feels to have just had a shower, or how yucky it feels to wake up in the morning if you haven’t brushed your teeth the night before.

Understanding of socially accepted behaviour, consequences for actions, and logical forward thinking are not skills that your child will have fully developed yet. This means that we need to help them to find the motivation to stay clean.

Reward-based learning

You can encourage this motivation by using rewards-based learning. The great news is your child’s brain is set up to learn this way.

To be clear, this doesn’t mean they get a prize every time they wash their hands. Rather, it is helping them find pleasure in the activity itself. If a child enjoys an activity, or finds pleasure in an act, or the outcome of an act, the brain will release dopamine. Dopamine helps your child’s brain to associate the action with a good feeling. This can help to motivate them to repeat the action. The neurological system in the brain that regulates this reward response is called the mesolimbic system. It can be used to help teach your child motivation for good hygiene.

The problem is that it relies on the child enjoying the hygiene tasks. Often they don’t. On their own, things like washing hands, brushing teeth and washing their face can be boring. To use the mesolimbic system, we need to get creative and add a little fun.

How to teach your child hygiene through fun

If you make hygiene tasks fun in themselves, it will be easier to motivate your child. Of course, there are things that they will have to do, that are not fun at all. This doesn’t mean your child only does things that they enjoy. However, if there is a fun way of doing something, embrace it.

Here are a few ideas:

• Put on a favourite song during shower time, and see if your child can wash their body and hair before the song is up.
• When they are changing for a bath or shower, put the laundry basket just outside the bathroom and challenge them to throw their clothes into the basket.
• Put a 30-second timer on while they are washing their hands, and see how many different animals they can list before the time is up.
• Make teeth brushing part of a silly challenge. You could have a buzzer or silly noise you play on your phone. When it goes, the children have to race to do 3 challenges. For example, brush their teeth for two minutes, do 3 star jumps and finish by picking up toys off their bedroom floor. Just a note on this one, racing against each other might end up in fights. It is often simpler to race children against the clock.

Stack Habits with fun

Some tasks your child will not enjoy, however creative you get with them. You can still use fun or pleasure to instill these habits, but you may have to stack them.

Perhaps your child hates showers. You have tried music, games, and many other things. Nothing will change their mind. If you can’t make the shower fun or pleasurable, stack the habit of the shower with a fun reward after. It could be that you heat a towel on a radiator and as soon as they are out you wrap them up and read them a story while they dry. Maybe they don’t like washing their hands, but you let them use nice hand lotion after.

In time, the understanding that the disliked task will become associated with the reward they get from completing it, and they may find it easier to tolerate.

How to teach your child independence with hygiene

Independence in a child is linked with better mental health, increased confidence and motivation. Sounds great, right? Unfortunately, to begin with, giving little ones independence is also slower and messier. It takes time for children to be able to perform hygiene tasks on their own, but with a little patience, they will get there.

Teach your child independent hygiene through scaffolding

There are things that your child can do independently, things that they can do with support and other things they can’t fathom being able to do yet. Scaffold learning is about bridging that gap by working in the zone of proximal development, a fancy way of saying working on things that they can do with support.

https://trainingexpress.org.uk/personal-hygiene-for-kids/To teach your child hygiene through scaffolding, look for little things that they might be able to do with your help. Then start by talking to them while you do the task, narrating what you are doing and why. It might be how you squeeze the right amount of toothpaste onto the brush, or why you are checking if their clothes are clean before they leave the house. Then let them have a go with you by their side. In time they will have that new skill under their belt, and you can move onto a new one. Here are some basic hygiene skills that you can teach to your child.

They will probably need support at the start, and things that are obvious to you won’t be to them.

Remember to aim for progress and not perfection. Be realistic about the fact that it will be messy for a little bit while they learn, and that is okay.

Teach your child hygiene through routine

Routines are fantastic for children. They give a child predictability, but also independence. Children understand what they are expected to do, and when they are expected to do it.. This means that they can do what they need to do, with confidence.

Of course, you don’t need to regiment your whole day. Instead, create pockets of routines for specific times. Wake up routines, and bedtime routines are great ones to add, as well as things like routines for leaving the house, or for before meals.

When you are building routines, keep them simple, and easy to remember.

Offer choice

As adults we often have preferences in regards to soaps, lotions, toothpastes and so on. Where possible, offer your child a choice too. This can help them feel involved, and therefore more motivated in the process. With so many hygiene products on the market it may be easier to ask them to choose between two or three scents, or products so your child isn’t overwhelmed.

You can also offer other choices, such as bath or shower. If they choose bath, do they want bubbles, toys or both.

Children have very little control or agency over their lives. You can’t ever give them complete control. You need to ensure that they are healthy, safe and clean. There is room within those parameters, however, to give them choice.

If your child has a sense of control, they are more likely to engage, thrive and succeed. This an outcome I am sure that you want.

A Final note

Although children don’t naturally crave hygiene, with support they can be taught the how, and the why, of looking after their bodies and staying clean.

It will be frustrating at times. Hang in there. The messy moments will pass. Be patient with them, and have a little fun along the way.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

“America’s ToothFairy – 8 Tips and Tricks to Make Brushing Teeth Fun.” Americastoothfairy.org, 2024, www.americastoothfairy.org/news/8-tips-and-tricks-to-make-brushing-teeth-fun. Accessed 12 Mar. 2025.

Arnall, Judy. “When Do Children Understand “Consequences?”” Judy Arnall – Parenting the Digital Generation, Judy Arnall – Parenting the Digital Generation, 18 Feb. 2019, judyarnall.com/2019/02/18/when-do-children-understand-consequences/.

Cerino, Anna. “The Importance of Recognising and Promoting Independence in Young Children: The Role of the Environment and the Danish Forest School Approach.” Education 3-13, vol. 51, no. 4, 8 Nov. 2021, pp. 685–694, www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/03004279.2021.2000468, https://doi.org/10.1080/03004279.2021.2000468.

Hämmerer, Dorothea, and Ben Eppinger. “Dopaminergic and Prefrontal Contributions to Reward-Based Learning and Outcome Monitoring during Child Development and Aging.” Development Psychology, vol. 48, no. 3, 2012, https://doi.org/10.1037/a0027342. Accessed 10 Mar. 2025.

Health Direct. “Personal Hygiene for Children.” Healthdirect.gov.au, Healthdirect Australia, 2019, www.healthdirect.gov.au/personal-hygiene-for-children.

“Hygiene for Toddlers and Children.” Www.cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk, www.cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk/child-development-and-growing-up/hygiene/hygiene-for-toddlers-and-children/.

Levine, Alexandra, and Laura Philips. “How to Build Independence in Preschoolers.” Child Mind Institute, 2022, childmind.org/article/how-to-build-independence-in-preschoolers/.

Lewis, Robert G., et al. “The Brain’s Reward System in Health and Disease.” Advances in Experimental Medicine and Biology, vol. 1344, no. 1344, 2021, pp. 57–69, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-81147-1_4.

Mitton, Betty L., and Dale B. Harris. “The Development of Responsibility in Children.” The Elementary School Journal, vol. 54, no. 5, Jan. 1954, pp. 268–277, https://doi.org/10.1086/458585.

NHS. “Hygiene.” Cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk, 2024, cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk/child-development-and-growing-up/hygiene/.

Parents League of New York. “Children Need a Sense of Control.” Parents League of New York, 31 Mar. 2020, www.parentsleague.org/blog/children-need-sense-control.

“Why We Should Give Kids More Control over Their Lives and How to Do It.” Www.debbieausburn.com, www.debbieausburn.com/post/why-we-should-give-kids-more-control-over-their-lives-and-how-to-do-it.

Willard, Dr Marcy. “Hygiene in Childhood – Marcy Willard PhD.” Marcy Willard PhD, 25 Oct. 2024, marcywillardphd.com/hygiene-in-childhood/.

Knowing how to survive tantrums or meltdowns can be invaluable throughout your child’s early years.

If you have a child over one you will probably have experienced the drama and emotional distress that comes when your sweet child transfers into a mini hulk.

Of course, if one happens at home it’s hard. However, if you are unfortunate enough to be out in public when meltdowns or tantrums come, though you know you will survive, it can be mortifying.

Tantrums and meltdowns are never fun. We can more than survive, however. In the messy moments, we can connect with our children and help them thrive.

The difference between a tantrum and a meltdown

Many people use the words tantrum and meltdown interchangeably. Are they the same thing?

There is no clinical definition of either a tantrum or meltdown, although many agree on differences.

For simplicity, throughout this post, when I talk about a meltdown it is when your child has lost all control. When I speak about tantrums, they still can act with purpose, although they may need support with emotional regulation. (Nannery and Nannery, 2021)

One small note. There is sometimes the assumption that only children who are neurodivergent can have meltdowns. Meltdowns can indeed be more regular and intense for neurodivergent children. However, neurotypical children and adults can also have meltdowns.

Now we have looked at the difference between meltdowns and tantrums, lets discuss how to survive them.

How to survive tantrums and meltdowns

There are steps you can take to make tantrums and meltdowns less painful for both you and child.

Step 1. Before it begins

The best cure for most things is prevention. Unfortunately, children have big emotions they which they cannot always understand or control.

Once a child turns five, they can begin to regulate some of their emotions. As with adults, if they are hungry, tired or just overwhelmed this might be hard. (Rouse, 2016)

Younger children will have less emotional control. They are also less advanced in speech and communication. Therefore they may struggle to let adults know what they want or need. (Stanford Medicine Children’s Health, 2019)

You cannot stop all tantrums and meltdowns. Yet you may be able to avoid some by understanding your child and predicting their needs.

Hunger and Tiredness

I will be the first to admit that when I am hungry or tired I can be cranky. I don’t think I am the adult for whom that is true. It is even more true for children.

Ensuring that your child has enough sleep can help limit tantrums and meltdowns. Keeping regular mealtimes, and carrying snacks for between meals is also important.

Unpredictability and lack of control

As adults, we are likely to enter most days with some sort of idea of what will happen. Throughout the day we have freedom in what we do, where we go etc. Children often don’t have the same luxury.

Even if we tell our children plans ahead of time, their perception of time is still developing and they might not understand or remember what is happening when. They will also have limited control over many of the happenings. As adults, this would be hard to handle. It is understandable why sometimes children struggle.

There are things that you can do to help. Picture boards showing children the order of the day can help them orientate themselves. Keep talking about what is next as this is a concept that they will understand at a younger age, rather than ‘this evening’, or ‘tomorrow lunchtime.”

Interactive routine charts are a great tool. They help engage the child and give them an element of control. Sometimes, letting them make little choices can also help.

Disconnection

Connection is a human need. There is a growing amount of research proofing that are biological built to socialise and connect with other humans. (Braren, 2023) This means that connecting with your child throughout the day is imperative.

Modern life is busy. We often rush from place to place, tackling to-do lists and other people’s demands. In quieter moments, the temptation to bury our heads in our phones is sometimes too great to resist.

Throughout this, our children are carried from place to place. They may feel like they are an additional burden that we are trying to manage. A little connection can go a long way.

Children love to help. Try giving them a job alongside you. This can involve them and help them feel part of what is happening. It might be something little. If you are running errands, ask them to tick the errands off as you complete them. If you are cleaning they can wipe skirtings or window sills.

It is hard, but try to make time, away from the busyness, to be with your children. No phones. No distractions. You and them

If children have a strong bond with their grown-ups, it can help them to understand and learn to control their emotions. (Department for Education, 2022) Hopefully that will mean less meltdowns.

They struggle to handle ‘no’

The part of a child’s brain which handles things, like impulse control, delayed gratification and critical thinking is often called the ‘upstairs brain.’ It is not fully developed until the 20’s. Adults, with our fully developed brains, don’t like to hear ‘no’. It is no wonder that children struggle. If you want to read more about the upstairs and downstairs brain, here is a great article.

So should we give children everything that they ask for? Definitely not. We can, however, offer the word ‘no,’ with empathy and perspective.

Empathy can be shown with phrases like, ‘I know you are frustrated that you can’t play longer,’ or ‘I know you are disappointed that you can’t have cake.’ This helps your child to feel seen, and also shows them how to label and understand their emotions.

Perspective can also help. Children live in the now. If they are told ‘no’ it might feel like ‘no’ is forever. It can help to reword a ‘no’ to a ‘not yet.’ For example, ‘We can’t buy that cake today. Would you like it next month as your birthday cake?’ Or, ‘We aren’t buying toys today. Do you want me to take a photo of that, and you can save up your pocket money to come back?

Of course, sometimes ‘no’ just means ‘no.’ In time, with help, our children will learn to handle them.

Other reasons

Many other factors can also be in play. Pay attention to if your child has a tantrum or meltdown during specific times or in specific locations. Look for what might be causing it. If your child can talk, ask them if there is anything that is upsetting them. (“Kids Learning to Tell Time: When Do Kids Learn to Tell Time? How Do Kids Learn about Time?”, 2024)

Step 2. What’s that coming over the hill?

Your child may go from sweet and kind to a full-on rage monster in a flash. You will not always see a tantrum or a meltdown coming.

Step one will not always work, as you cannot prevent all tantrums and meltdowns. This step, may not work either. Sometimes you cannot predict a messy moment.

If you can, however, acting preemptively will help you to survive the tantrums or meltdowns when they arrive.

Perhaps you are in a grocery store, and your child is begging for a treat. You notice their repetitive demands are getting louder and more emotive. A tantrum is coming.

You could stop it by giving in and buying them the treat. This is the easy way out. One I am sure we have all taken. I know that I have. It is not the best way. Children should not get their way by throwing tantrums. They need to learn to solve problems and communicate without screaming or crying.

So, you may need to weather the tantrum. If you see one coming heed the signs.

If you want to survive tantrums and meltdowns with minimal damage, you need to prepare.

Firstly, take steps to ensure you can give your child your full attention. If you are out of the house, this may mean excusing yourself from a conversation or stashing your shopping cart to the side. At home, it could be ensuring siblings are occupied and safe, or switching a pan off if you are in the middle of cooking.

In a crowded place, find somewhere quiet. Tantrums and meltdowns are easier, and pass faster, if you do not have an audience.

Step 3. Bring your calm to the storm

When the tantrum or meltdown starts, there is very little that you can do to stop it. Those big feelings are there and need to be let out.

Let your child tell you what is wrong, and continue gently enforcing those boundaries. For some children, labelling how they feel may help. Hold strong.

The hardest part during this step is acceptance. No one wants to sit for ten minutes with an angry child who doesn’t want to put on the school uniform. I promise you, however, that taking the time to sit with your little one will get you out the door a lot faster than trying to wrestle clothes onto their squirming body and then carrying them kicking and screaming down the road.

During this time, if we are calm it will help our little one find calm too.

What if I don’t have time?

When children are young, it helps to leave ten minutes of grace time for moments like this. Sometimes you may be late. Take a big breath. It will not be the end of the world. When this is over you will be able to handle the aftermath.

So I just sit there? Isn’t there anything I can do or say to make it go faster?

In their messiest moments, children care often unable to listen to reason.

We spoke a bit earlier about the upstairs and downstairs brain. The downstairs brain is impulsive, reactive and in control of fight or flight.

When a child is angry or scared, a part of the brain called the ‘amygdala’ gives full control to the downstairs brain. In the days of our ancestors, this would have been important for survival. The downstairs brain is faster and geared to self-preservation. Unfortunately, it means your child can’t engage in pragmatic dialogue until the upper brain is back in control. (Mine Conkbayir, 2023)

So, a lot of this time is waiting. Use non-aggressive body language and ensure your child doesn’t hurt anyone or break anything. Hold your peace, and know that this messy moment will pass.

Don’t yell

Tantrums are hard on parents. It is natural to feel angry and frustrated. This frustration leads some parents to try to yell their children into submission.

Unfortunately, yelling at a child will increase their stress and fear, keeping them in fight or flight mode.

If you need to, walking away is always a better option than yelling.

A little hack

If child’s upper brain isn’t kick in, there are things that you can do to help.

It is unlikely that in the middle of a messy moment, you will get your child to talk about the situation they are raging against. They may, however, engage on other topics.

Ask them what they remember from a story they know, facts about an animal. If they are old enough to do basic maths, say a sum wrong and let them correct you. The upper brain is needed for reasoning or remembering tasks, and it may well help it to take the lead again.

Once you have their upstairs brains back engaged, you may be able to talk calmly about the situation at hand.

Step 4. Coming back together

When the raging is finished you can start to connect again with your child.

This is the point where you can talk to them, and help them understand appropriate behaviour and expectations.

Keep any lessons short and move on.

Giving something is not giving in

Sometimes little things can help a child feel seen. There are often creative ways that you can help a little one feel that their needs are being met.

For example, if they are angry that they have to go to school, suggest doing something fun together at the weekend. Maybe they want a toy, and you can come up with a way for them to do chores to earn money to buy it. For those who are reluctant to don their school uniform, they may enjoy choosing clothes to wear when they get back home.

Being little is hard. Our children have so much to learn and many things are out of their control. A little kindness is never a bad idea.

Step 5. Moving forwards

Should you punish a tantrum?

I have heard the argument, ‘If you don’t punish a tantrum, they will keep doing it.’ I don’t believe that is true. Most children will not find throwing a tantrum pleasant or dignifying. A meltdown even less so. They are likely to come out feeling embarrassed and a little shaken.

Furthermore, these big feelings are often out of your child’s control.

I do not advocate punishing a tantrum. If, however, throughout the tantrum, your child has made a mess, they can tidy it. If they have hurt someone or broken something it is right that they make amends.

Positive consequences

The lessons that we teach our little ones throughout their childhood are likely to form how they face life as adults.

Therefore, a good measure when looking at the consequences we give, is ‘Would I want them to do this to themselves when they are grown up.’

For example, if your best friend said she had messed up and so wasn’t going on the spa day she had booked, because she didn’t deserve it you would think she was crazy.

If however, the same friend realised that she had been over-emotional recently and decided to have some early nights and try to watch her sugar, you would likely commend her.

Punishment for the sake of punishment will not benefit your child. When you discipline your child try to think about if you are hurting them or helping them. For example, if your child is struggling to control their emotions things like limiting screen so they spend more time connecting with family, limiting sugar and prioritising sleep are all things that can help. It is, of course, unlikely that your child will love any of these initiatives. They may view them as punishments. You will know, however, that you are acting in your child’s best interest. For more about the difference between punishment and discipline check out this article.

A final note

Whilst tantrums and meltdowns are not pleasant, you will survive. As your child grows they will likely learn how to control those big emotions, and there will be less messy moments.

Until then, remember that if you want to be a place of calm for your little one, it is imperative to look after yourself.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Braren, Stephen. “The Evolution of Social Connection as a Basic Human Need.” Social Creatures, 24 May 2023, www.thesocialcreatures.org/thecreaturetimes/evolution-of-social-connection. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Department for Education. “Help for Early Years Providers : Emotions.” Help-For-Early-Years-Providers.education.gov.uk, 6 Sept. 2022, help-for-early-years-providers.education.gov.uk/areas-of-learning/personal-social-and-emotional-development/emotions. Accessed 28 Jan. 2025.

Go, Kids That. “The Upstairs and Downstairs of the Brain: Part One – Kids That Go.” Kids That Go, 8 May 2020, kidsthatgo.com/upstairs-and-downstairs-brain-part-one/?srsltid=AfmBOorPMktgYr-YqBX14Sbd7w2WFroEI2H0SWbZ9hHN3s5Rcjnd-pR_. Accessed 28 Jan. 2025.

Jones, Gareth. “Tantrum or Autism Meltdown?” Experia, 3 Aug. 2023, www.experia.co.uk/blog/7-differences-between-tantrums-and-autism-meltdowns/.

“Kids Learning to Tell Time: When Do Kids Learn to Tell Time? How Do Kids Learn about Time?” BBC Tiny Happy People, 2024, www.bbc.co.uk/tiny-happy-people/articles/z3g3cxs. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Miller, Caroline. “Why Do Kids Have Tantrums and Meltdowns?” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 25 Feb. 2016, childmind.org/article/why-do-kids-have-tantrums-and-meltdowns/. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Mine Conkbayir. “Neuroscience: Understand the “Upstairs” and “Downstairs” Brain – Nursery World.” Nursery World, 27 Apr. 2023, www.nurseryworld.co.uk/content/features/neuroscience-understand-the-upstairs-and-downstairs-brain/.

Morin, Amanda . “The Difference between Tantrums and Meltdowns.” Www.understood.org, www.understood.org/en/articles/the-difference-between-tantrums-and-meltdowns.

Nannery, Sarah, and Lance Nannery. “What Is the Difference between a Meltdown and a Tantrum?” Psychology Today, 2021, www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/what-to-say-next/202105/what-is-the-difference-between-a-meltdown-and-a-tantrum. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Reeck, Crystal, et al. “The Social Regulation of Emotion: An Integrative, Cross-Disciplinary Model.” Trends in Cognitive Sciences, vol. 20, no. 1, Jan. 2016, pp. 47–63, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2015.09.003.

Rouse, Matthew. “How Can We Help Kids with Self-Regulation?” Child Mind Institute, 2016, childmind.org/article/can-help-kids-self-regulation/. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Schilling, Elizabeth. “Temper Tantrums (for Parents) – Nemours KidsHealth.” Kidshealth.org, 2018, kidshealth.org/en/parents/tantrums.html. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Stanford Medicine Children’s Health. “Age-Appropriate Speech and Language Milestones.” Stanfordchildrens.org, 2019, www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=age-appropriate-speech-and-language-milestones-90-P02170. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Tao, Ting, et al. “Development of Self-Control in Children Aged 3 to 9 Years: Perspective from a Dual-Systems Model.” Scientific Reports, vol. 4, no. 1, 11 Dec. 2014, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5377018/, https://doi.org/10.1038/srep07272.

“The Difference between Meltdowns & Tantrums – Autism Treatment Center.” Autism Treatment Center of America, autismtreatmentcenter.org/knowledge-base/the-difference-between-meltdowns-and-tantrums/.

Twito, Louise, et al. “The Motivational Aspect of Children’s Delayed Gratification: Values and Decision Making in Middle Childhood.” Frontiers in Psychology, vol. 10, no. 1649, 31 July 2019, https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01649.

When to Worry about Toddler Temper Tantrums. www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/babies-and-toddlers-discipline/when-to-worry-about-toddler-temper-tantrums.

What is the difference between discipline and punishment?

At the very heart of it, discipline is about teaching and training.  Punishment on the other hand is about negative consequences for wrong actions.

Sometimes discipline will involve consequences, but consequences are not the only way to discipline a child.

Punishments are focused on what has already happened, and the hard payment for it.  Discipline, if done well, is forward-looking.  It endeavours to give a set of skills for the child to use moving forwards. (Li)

When a child is making wrong choices the parents need to adjust the behaviour.   They have the choice to make that adjustment via punishment or via discipline. Let’s look at each method in a little more detail.

Adjustment via punishment

Two assumptions are being made when parents use only punishments to correct behaviour.  The first assumption is that without a threat of a negative repercussion hanging over a child’s head they will choose to be naughty.

The second assumption is that being naughty is a always a willful choice and the child has the ability to make the right choices. 

I would contend neither of these assumptions is true.

The truth is most children want to be good.  They might also really want sweets, toys, the red cup and to never sleep.  They often want to be good too.   

Children want to belong, to connect, and to be healthy, which are all the things we want for them.  Unfortunately, though, they often do not have the skill sets, the understanding, or the self-control to make the right choices.  Instead, their other wants, worries or emotions can take over.

Patience, critical thinking, empathy, kindness and self-control are traits that many children struggle with, as do many grown-ups.  The same as grown-ups, many children can make great decisions some days but then have days where they find it hard to keep it together. 

If a child is being punished regularly, but not being given the support that they need to make the right choices, they often become stressed, and worried about the next time they might mess up.  Repeated punishments can cause them to see themselves as naughty or bad, yet feel that they lack the skills to be good.

Adjustment via discipline

Discipline is looking at what you want to teach the child, and what is the best way to teach it. (Siegel and Bryson, 2016)

There may still need to be consequences.  For example, sometimes a child could lose a privilege if they are struggling to be responsible with it, or they may need to be removed from a situation if they are not behaving appropriately.

The focus, however, will be on how to move forward rather than on a punishment for what has been.    There are a plethora of tools that parents can use to teach children the skills integral to living a healthy, happy and kind life.

By teaching your child the skills they need to make the right choices, you give them more control over themselves and how they behave. This can significantly boost their self-esteem.

The Science Behind Gentle Discipline

Science gives us a few reasons why gentler and proactive discipline works better than punishments. 

Upstairs or downstairs?

The brain is complex, but let’s look at it as two halves. The upstairs brain and the downstairs brain.

The downstairs brain is the first to develop and is all about survival. As well as operating some important functions, like breathing it also controls the fight or flight response.   

Fight or flight was the stress response that would have been imperative to our ancestors in their more perilous times.  Fight or flight shuts down your thinking brain, which is analytical and slow. Then instinct facilitates hasty retreat (flight) or self-defence (fight.)  It is a defence and will kick in whenever the brain perceives a threat.

The upstairs brain develops later and oversees critical thinking, problem-solving, empathy, and patience. (Conkbayir, n.d.)

When we discipline our children, we want to be working with their upstairs brain, however, if they feel threatened the downstairs brain will be running the show.  In fight or flight mode our little ones will be unable to reason.

To learn more about the two halves of the brain, check out this article, which goes into more depth.

 A little gentleness and empathy from us can help your child feel safe and get the upstairs brain back in control to give you the best chance of teaching the lessons that you want to teach.

Pure Chemistry

Your child has chemicals, or hormones, controlling their body’s different functions, and carrying messages throughout their body.

Cortisol is the hormone which helps your child’s body respond to stress. If children are in strict environments with frequent punishments, they are likely to have an excess of cortisol released in their bodies. (Australia) Excess cortisol has been proven to shrink the brain and cause issues with memory loss.  (Mandal, MD)

The science of self-believe

A child who believes that they are competent, strong and have a high self-worth will not just be happier, but will also start to emulate the qualities that they see in themselves.  There have been studies that show that self-belief has an impact on performance.   Many children will follow the narrative that you lay out for them.  If they are often punished harshly, not trusted, and reminded of their mistakes they will see themselves in a negative light and act accordingly. (Sutton, 2020)

If, however, you highlight their potential, celebrate their successes and believe in them, even in their worst moments you can rewrite this narrative.

How to discipline gently

We have talked about the why, now let’s look at the how.

Disclaimer: Gentle parenting often gets a bad name, as it can be confused with passive parenting.  I am not advocating stepping back, and letting your six-year old call the shots. 

Gentle parenting is about proactively teaching and setting firm boundaries in a loving and empathetic way.  That is, you connect with your child, and acknowledge their feelings, but you do not let their feelings run the show.  

Here are a few ways that you can start disciplining gently.

Unite to fight

A big difference between discipline and punishment, is when we discipline we play on the same team as our child.

Discipline doesn’t have to be us versus our child.  You can work with your child.  If your child is struggling with an attitude or behaviour, sit with them and work out a plan to move forward. Ask them to brain storm solutions with you

If you are at a loss there are so many online resources and books on overcoming nearly everything. If you have an older child, spend time researching together to find creative ways to support them in overcoming difficult behaviours.

 As well as engaging their upper brain, as you come up with solutions alongside your child, you will connect with them and teach them how to problem solve.  

Remember that they are children

This may seem obvious.   It is easy, however, to forget that their brains are not yet developed.  They are going to struggle with some of the upper brain behaviours.  I often put adult expectations on my nine-year-old, and forget, heck, he is just nine. 

As you remember their limitations, and bring grace and patience to the table, remind them too.  Growing up is hard, and the world can be brutal.  Let them know that making the right choices takes practice.  Every good choice that they make is a step in the right direction and celebrate it.  Every wrong choice can be learnt from.

Make consequences immediate, fair and manageable

Long-term punishments don’t usually work well, but giving immediate consequences may be more beneficial.  

Consequences that they can manage are even better.  For example, rather than sending your child to their room for 10 minutes, send them to their room until they have calmed down and are ready to make things right.  Rather than banning them from the screen for a week, ban them from the screen until they have helped you with something in the house.  Giving them that control helps them work towards where they need to be, and can help their confidence.

Avoidance

Avoiding misbehaviour is a lot easier than correcting it.  Simple things can help children to be their very best selves. Communicate well, and in advance if you can about plans so that they know if they are coming or going.  Make sure they are fed and well rested.    Connect in lots of positive ways.

A final note

If, like me, you were raised in the days of punishments, and authoritative parenting, this may all seem unnatural and weak.

This is not weakness.  It is not about letting children do as they please without consequences.  You are still laying down clear guidelines, and ensuring that your children are aware of the correct attitudes and behaviours.

Gentle discipline is about being strong,  loving and wise.  Strong enough to hold your peace, loving enough to get alongside your child, and wise enough to discern the very best way of teaching them.

You and your child are stronger than ever together.

Reference list

Australia, H. (2023). The role of cortisol in the body. [online] www.healthdirect.gov.au. Available at: https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/the-role-of-cortisol-in-the-body#:~:text=It%20can%20help%3A [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Conkbayir, M. (n.d.). Neuroscience: Understand the ‘upstairs’ and ‘downstairs’ brain. [online] Nursery World. Available at: https://www.nurseryworld.co.uk/features/article/neuroscience-understand-the-upstairs-and-downstairs-brain [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Lehman, J. (2020). Empowering Parents. [online] Empowering Parents. Available at: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-give-kids-consequences-that-work/ [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Li, P. (2019). Discipline and punishment – what’s the difference (4 Effective discipline Strategies) – Parenting For Brain. [online] Parenting For Brain. Available at: https://www.parentingforbrain.com/discipline-vs-punishment/ [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Mandal, MD, Dr.A. (2018). Stress can cause memory loss and brain shrinkage finds study. [online] News-Medical.net. Available at: https://www.news-medical.net/news/20181025/Stress-can-cause-memory-loss-and-brain-shrinkage-finds-study.aspx [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Siegel, D.J. and Bryson, T.P. (2016). No-Drama Discipline : The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. New York: Bantam Books.

Sutton, J. (2020). Self-Esteem and Children: Your Ultimate Guide (incl. Activities). [online] PositivePsychology.com. Available at: https://positivepsychology.com/self-esteem-for-children/.