When looking at how to fix separation anxiety in children, it is important to understand the root cause of the anxiety. By understanding what our children are feeling, and why, we become better equipped to be able to support them through their tricky moments, and help them to come out stronger.

What causes separation anxiety in young children?

The first thing it is important to know is that separation anxiety is normal. Between the ages of six months and three years old, most children will exhibit signs of separation anxiety in some form.

As babies grow, they are constantly learning. One big development is the understanding that things and people still exist when they are not right there. They now know that although Mummy walked into a different room, she is still somewhere. This understanding with their limited knowledge of things like time, or schedules, can cause children to panic when they are left by their primary caregivers. They know the person they rely on for everything is somewhere, but they don’t know where.

Although it can be a difficult stage to navigate, remember that children have separation anxiety because they feel safe with their carers. Before we look at how to fix it, know that you must have already been doing something right to have become your child’s safe place.

How to fix separation anxiety in young children?

Separation anxiety is something that all young children will go through, and sometimes older children too. there is no quick fix. Although there is comfort in knowing it is a natural stage that will pass, it can be exhausting. Fortunately, there are things that you can do to help your child through this.

• Make the separations gradual. Try asking a friend to come watch your little one, and start by letting them play with your child with you in the room, then pop out for a few minutes. Slowly increase the amount of time that you are gone. As this progresses your child will learn that you always come back.
• Smile when you are saying goodbye. Walking away from your baby while they are crying can be heartbreaking. You might find that you want to cry, too. However, babies and toddlers are social learners. They will learn the most from their primary caregivers. If they see that you are upset when you leave, it reinforces the idea that something is wrong.
• Routines can help your baby or toddler understand what is happening and predict what will happen next. Creating a routine that you consistently stick to when you leave your child and pick them up can help ground them.
• Give them your full focus before you leave and when you return. It is never fun when your toddler has a meltdown at drop-off, but try to leave on a good note. This will help your child feel secure in their bond with you.

Separation anxiety disorder in children

Sometime separation anxiety can be more intense or prolonged. This is called separation anxiety disorder. It can be a sign of other worries or poor mental health.

Causes of separation anxiety disorder in children

Although a child’s environment and experiences can cause separation anxiety disorder, a child’s biology is also a factor.

A child’s hormones help to control different neurological and physical functions throughout their body. An imbalance of two hormones, norepinephrine and serotonin, can make a child more prone to anxiety.

This means, that if your child is naturally more anxious, it may just be the way their brain is wired. It is worth thinking about environmental factors too. If there are big life changes or stresses your child may need extra support.

How to support a child with separation anxiety disorder

• Teach coping mechanisms. There are lots of great recourses that offer a plethora of coping strategies you can teach your child to use when they are feeling anxious. Here is a list of coping strategies from Barnados, which you may find helpful.
• Don’t avoid situations that your child finds difficult. Of course, you may want to take small steps. At times, you may choose to give your child some downtime rather than pushing them. However, don’t let their anxiety completely control what you do and don’t do. If your child is anxious about being left, and you don’t leave them, they will remain convinced that being separated from you means something bad will happen. Being separated from you is imperative for them to understand that separation is okay, and that they can handle it.
• Keep your word. Anxious children often worry about whether their parents will come back. If you have a history of keeping your word, your child will trust you to pick them up again as promised. If you are running late for a pick up, it is worth calling or emailing the carer or teacher so that they can explain to your child.
• Try to anticipate situations that your child may find difficult. Talk them through what to expect and what they should do. Make sure they know the adults are there that they can turn to for help if needed.
• Remember to look after yourself. Having a child who will not leave your side can be exhausting. To be strong for them, it is important that you care for yourself.

When to seek help

Like some people, you may feel that there is a stigma around poor mental health. You may be nervous about seeking outside help, but there is no reason to be.

If separation anxiety is impacting your child’s ability to do daily tasks, please don’t hesitate to reach out to someone. There are people trained to work with children who are struggling with anxiety and other mental health issues. The sooner we acknowledge that it is okay to need support sometimes, the better for all of our children.

Where to get help

There are a few different places that provide support for parents trying to fix separation anxiety disorder in their children. Although there may not be quick, or easy solutions, they may be able to support you and your child, and help move things in the right direction.

• School: Most schools have workers who are trained to support children who are struggling with things like anxiety. They can also help to connect you with other charities or organisations who may be able to help.
• Local doctors surgery: General practitioners are able to support mental, as well as physical, health. They may not offer hands on help, but should be able to refer you to someone who can.
• Help lines: If you search on the internet, you are likely to find both local and national help lines that are able to provide support to children and young people who are struggling with issues like anxiety.

A final note

As we have discussed, a certain amount of separation anxiety in children is normal, and will usually fix itself in time. If your child is struggling and it is impacting their life in a negative way, or just not improving, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. We all need support sometimes.

Separation anxiety isn’t easy, but hang in there. This too will pass.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Cleveland Clinic. “Hormones: What They Are, Function & Types.” Cleveland Clinic, 23 Feb. 2022, my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/22464-hormones.

Contributing, Taylor,. “Separation Anxiety in Toddlers.” What to Expect, WhattoExpect, 15 Nov. 2016, www.whattoexpect.com/toddler-behavior/toddler-separation-anxiety.aspx#causes. Accessed 24 Mar. 2025.

Goldstein, Clark. “What to Do (and Not Do) When Children Are Anxious.” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 2 Feb. 2016, childmind.org/article/what-to-do-and-not-do-when-children-are-anxious/.

Mayo Clinic. “Separation Anxiety Disorder.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 5 Apr. 2021, www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/separation-anxiety-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20377455.

NHS. “Separation Anxiety.” Nhs.uk, 7 Dec. 2020, www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/babys-development/behaviour/separation-anxiety/.

“Older Kids and Separation Anxiety: How It Happens and What to Do | Riley Children’s Health.” Www.rileychildrens.org, www.rileychildrens.org/connections/older-kids-and-separation-anxiety-how-it-happens-and-what-to-do.

Swanson, Wendy. “How to Ease Your Child’s Separation Anxiety.” HealthyChildren.org, 29 July 2021, www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/toddler/Pages/Soothing-Your-Childs-Separation-Anxiety.aspx.

Watson, Renee. “Separation Anxiety Disorder in Children.” Www.nationwidechildrens.org, 1 Mar. 2023, www.nationwidechildrens.org/conditions/health-library/separation-anxiety-disorder-in-children.

Zara Jethani. “The Impact of Hormone Imbalances on Neurological Health and Memory – Pacific Neuroscience Institute.” Pacific Neuroscience Institute, 12 July 2024, www.pacificneuroscienceinstitute.org/blog/brain-health/the-impact-of-hormone-imbalances-on-neurological-health-and-memory/.

Many mothers will receive advice on breastfeeding, but not how to express breast milk. Expressing breast milk can be incredibly useful.

Juggling breastfeeding with modern life can be difficult. Giving others the ability to feed the baby can take the pressure off the new mum.

For some, breastfeeding is too difficult or painful. Expressing may be the only way to offer breastmilk to their baby.

How to express breast milk

There are three main ways to express breast milk. These are by hand, by manual pump and by electric pump.

Expressing by Hand

Expressing by hand has two main benefits. Firstly, you are not dependent on electricity, so you will have more flexibility about where you pump. Secondly, it is a lot quieter so if you have people in the rooms surrounding you it may feel more comfortable and private.

The downside to hand expressing is that it takes longer, and isn’t as effective at stimulating milk supply as an electric pump.

If you are just trying to remove excess milk, or get your milk flow moving to help your baby to breastfeed then hand expressing can be effective. If you are trying to exclusively express, I would recommend using a pump.

Expressing using a manual pump

Most manual breast pumps are simple to use. They have a handle that you squeeze and release to pump. They are also usually lightweight and quiet, which can be beneficial for pumping out and about. Unfortunately, they are still not as efficient as an electric pump. Again, if you are exclusively expressing, you may want to invest in an electric pump.

Expressing using an electric pump

Electric pumps are noisy, and sometimes, mains-operated meaning you have to sit near a plug to pump. However, they often manage to pump more milk in less time. Some brands are designed to mimic a baby’s suckling in pressure and rhythm. This can help stimulate milk production which will be beneficial in the long term.

As your baby begins to grow they will need more milk. If you are trying to keep up with the increasing demand exclusively by expressing breast milk, how long it takes you to pump can become an issue. An electric pump may reduce this time, and leave you more time to enjoy being with your little one.

How to store breast milk?

You don’t have to use your milk immediately. It can last a little while if stored correctly.

If you are storing your breast milk, you must keep it in a sterile environment. This might be a container that you have sterilised or a milk storage bag. It is important to label your milk, so you know when it was pumped.

In the fridge

The amount of time that you can store breast milk in the fridge will depend on the fridge’s temperature. Here is a guide to checking the temperature of your fridge.

According to the NHS, if your fridge is under 4C you can use it to store breast milk for eight days. If your fridge is over 4C that shortens to three days.

In the freezer

If you have excess breast milk, you can also store it in the freezer. Frozen breast milk is good for up to six months.

You can defrost breast milk overnight in the fridge when you are ready to use. It should defrost in about twelve hours. If you need it a little faster, place it in a bowl of warm water for 20 minutes, or ten minutes under running warm water. If you are using warm water to defrost breast milk, be sure that your container is properly sealed first.

Once it is defrosted the milk can be stored for 24 hours in the fridge.

Out and about

It is true, that breastfeeding is the most convenient method of feeding for when you are out and about. However, with a little pre-planning, you can feed your little one expressed milk on the go, without too much hassle.

Before you take your breast milk out with you, fully chill it in a fridge. You can then store it in a cool bag filled with ice bags for up to 24 hours.

We will look at expressing on the go in more detail further down.

How to exclusively express breast milk for baby

Exclusively expressing breast milk for your little one is doable. Not easy, but doable. If breastfeeding is not possible, but you want to give your little one the benefits of breast milk this may be an option that you want to consider.

I exclusively breast fed for about two weeks. My friend managed for six months, which I think is heroic. Though it is hard, there are ways to make it manageable and find a life away from the pump. Here are a few things I learnt along the way, which I hope will help.

What do you need to get started?

Before you begin, these are the things that are worth investing in if you want to exclusively pump.

• Breast Pump– I would recommend using an electric pump. Medela is always a great brand, as is Philips.
• Steriliser- Sure, you can sterilise a bottle in boiling water, a sterilising machine is a game changer, as you will be pumping and feeding multiple times a day.
• Milk bags and storage containers- The amount your little one feeds will fluctuate from day to day. It is always a good idea to try and accumulate a back up supply. This should be properly stored (see above) and labelled.
• Cool bag and ice packs– Choose something small and portable. I actually used a thermal lunch bag rather than a cool bag, as it fitted in my nappy bag.
• Bottles- You will want at least 6 bottles so that you can sterilise between feeds.
• Notebook and pen- This is to track how much you are feeding and how much baby is drinking.

Some great options for electric pumps

How often to pump?

Your body makes breast milk on demand, so the more that you pump, the more your body will produce. This means that to establish a strong supply, you need to pump at least 8 times a day, though twelve would be ideal.

You should aim to pump at least once between 2am and 5am. This is because the prolactin hormones which facilitate milk production are higher at night.

Mimicking cluster feeding

Cluster feeding is a baby’s way of telling our body that there is not enough milk. They will feed till the milk is down to just a trickle, then come off and go on again a few minutes after. They repeat this pattern for a few hours and our body’s will register that there more milk is needed.

You can mimic this to increase milk production using a method called power pumping.

Power pumping is when you alternate pumping with resting over an hour or two. You can begin with your first pump till your milk has slowed down and you are just getting drips. Stop pumping, and rest for ten minutes. Pump again for ten minutes, then move to five minutes pumping and five minutes resting.

How to juggle pumping and a newborn

The amount of time that you spend pumping can feel overwhelming. Especially when you have a newborn to look after too.

When you are pumping you may find that your baby wants to feed. If you can manage pumping and feeding at the same, that is wonderful, but it is not easy.

Wearable pumps have come along way, but are expensive and not always a perfect solution. You have to be careful not to bend over whilst you are wearing them.

At the end of the day, juggling pumping and childcare is not easy, so be kind to yourself and accept any help that other people may offer.

Pumping out and about

It is possible to express on the go. The increase in the amount of nursing rooms in town centres is a real asset.

If you are visiting friends, it is worth asking ahead if there is somewhere that you can pump for a few minutes. This will give them the chance to clear an area for you if needed.

Milk will keep in a bag with ice blocks for up to 24 hours. Use sterilised bottles to store the milk in your cool bag so it is ready when you need it. It is worth packing a spare sterile teat as a back up.

If you are out long enough to have to pump, and feed more than once, use the pumped milk first. The milk from the fridge will keep for longer as it was chilled when it was put into the cool bag. It is worth having a marker in the bag so that you can label which is fresh milk and which is chilled.

Tracking feeds

With the exhausting blur of new parenthood, it can be difficult to gauge how much baby is drinking and how much you are pumping in comparison. This is something you really need to know. If baby is drinking more milk than you are pumping, acting early to try and increase milk supply can help you stay ahead.

A simple method for this is to use a notebook. Every day log every pump or feed, along with the time and how much baby drank or you pumped. At the end of the day add up the total off each.

Whilst tracking feeds, keep an eye out for patterns. If there is a particular time of day where you are getting less milk, you may want to try power pumping during those hours to increase supply

A final note

Expressing is not easy. Remember that it will not be forever, and hang in there.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

Society labels breastfeeding as the natural choice. Therefore, many mothers feel like it should come naturally. They are often frustrated when they find that they are struggling to breastfeed. 

When breastfeeding doesn’t work, we can feel like there is something wrong with us as mothers.   Nothing could be further from the truth. 

Breastfeeding struggles are common.   According to a 2019 study, 70.3% of mothers experience difficulties of some sort and 80% stop breastfeeding earlier than they want to. (Gianni et al., 2019)

Are the benefits of breastfeeding worth the battles?  What can be done to overcome some of the most common difficulties?

Benefits formula feeding

Breastfeeding is pushed hard in the UK.  This is often to the extreme of shaming mothers who choose to formula feed.  No parent trying to feed their child should ever be shamed.  

Yes, breastfeeding has benefits.   So does formula milk.

• A baby fed with formula can be fed by anyone, anywhere.  This can mean more bonding opportunities for Daddy, or other family members, and more sleep for Mummy.
• It can be easier to establish a routine with formula-fed babies.  Partly because they don’t need to cluster feed to increase milk supply, and partly because formula milk takes longer to digest so the baby can wait longer between feeds.  (Shaw, 2012)
• If breastfeeding is causing stress, opting for an option that works can improve your mental health.  Some would call it noble to sacrifice your mental health to breastfeed. However, if you are mentally and emotionally well, it will be a huge asset to your little one. (Modak et al., 2023)
•   You can make eye contact with your baby while you feed them by bottle.  It is a beautiful thing, to feed your baby with your eyes locked in theirs. 

Benefits of breastfeeding

Despite my strong conviction that no mother should be forced to breastfeed, there is no denying that breastfeeding can have many physical and emotional benefits for both baby and mother.

• Breast milk can boost a baby’s immunity to infections and viruses.
• Breastfeeding has been shown to lower a mother’s risk of some medical conditions, such as breast cancer and osteoporosis. (NHS, 2023)
• Breastfed babies have been shown to have better academic and health outcomes later in life. (World Health Organization (WHO, 2023.)
• Breastfeeding releases oxytocin, a chemical linked with emotional bonding and well-being.   This means that a breastfeeding mother has a lower chance of postnatal depression.

When you are struggling to breastfeed

Different issues that can cause struggles with breastfeeding. Let’s look at the most common problems and how to tackle them.

If you are still struggling, check what breastfeeding support is available in your area. A lactation support team may be able to spend time alongside you, providing support.

Pain when breastfeeding

This is one of the most common issues.   It can be caused by:

Poor latch– A poor latch can cause pain and damage to the nipple.  If your baby is slurping during the feed, or your nipple is misshaped after a feed, this could be the cause.  (“Pain: If Breastfeeding Hurts”, 2024)

If you believe you are experiencing pain due to a poor latch, check out this guide on improving your baby’s latch.

Used correctly nipple shields can also support a healthy and comfortable latch.   We will look at nipple shields in more detail later.

Mastitis/ nipple thrush– Mastitis is when your breast becomes infected.  It can lead to swelling and redness.  When you have mastitis you may feel a burning in your breast and have flu symptoms. (NHS Choices, 2019) 

Thrush is caused by candida fungus.  If your nipples are cracked the fungus can enter your nipple or breast causing pain. 

For either mastitis or thrush, seek medical advice promptly.  You can continue breastfeeding, although it may be painful.   With thrush, your baby will also be treated.  The treatment is safe for your baby.  (NHS, “Breastfeeding and Thrush”, 2020)

Engorgement–  It is normal for a lot of milk to come on day three.  This will settle down in time.  At first, however, your breasts can become overly full, which can cause pain.  

It can be difficult for your baby to latch if you are engorged. Expressing till your breasts feel softer can help this.  A breast pump is useful, but you can also hand express.

You can place ice on your breasts for 20 minutes between feeds to reduce swelling.   A warm cloth before feeds can help encourage your letdown. 

Baby routes for the breast and then pulls away

This is a frustrating issue. Your baby is crying for food and showing all the hunger signs.  You put them to the breast. They suckle a second before pulling away and crying for milk again.  

There are three common causes of this.

Pain from trapped wind– If your baby has trapped wind, being in a reclined position to feed can hurt.  If you are unsure how to release trapped wind, here is a guide.

Too strong of a release– too much milk at once can be hard for a little mouth to handle.   This is a common issue in the first few weeks before your milk supply has settled down.  Try expressing a little excess milk, to reduce the flow and make it manageable for your baby. (https://www.facebook.com/parents, 2015)

Milk is coming too slowly– A hungry baby may not have the patience or understanding to keep suckling until your milk comes.

The hormone which controls the release of milk is oxytocin.  Oxytocin is released during times of bonding, which is perhaps why it is so integral to breastfeeding. (World Health Organization, 2009)

Oxytocin is also more likely to be released when you feel relaxed and calm, which is not always the case when you have a young baby.  This can mean that if you are feeling tired, stressed and a little bit edgy, then you might find your milk is a little slower coming.   Although common advice for this issue is to simply relax more, when you have a hungry baby screaming at you for food it can be difficult to soothe your nerves.   It may be more useful to try hand expressing until your milk begins to flow. Put your baby onto feed when the milk is comin.

Baby’s mouth slides off the breast

In the early days, your breast may be swollen from too much milk.  This swelling can make it difficult for your baby to latch properly.   This is often an issue that time will fix.  As your supply syncs to your baby’s needs swelling will stop and your baby will be able to latch and feed much more easily.  Until that happens, you may want to express a little excess milk before each feed to help. (Lois, 2016)

Low Milk Supply

Feeding on your baby’s cues rather than a schedule can help your milk production keep up with a babies growing needs.

Your body makes milk to demand.  Every breastfeed stimulates milk production.   If there is not enough milk, your baby will feed till there’s only a trickle.  Then your baby may become frustrated and stop feeding but want to feed again a few minutes later.   This is called cluster feeding and will pass.  Cluster feeding tells your body there wasn’t enough milk, please make more. 

It also works the other way.  If your baby takes less milk or misses a feed, milk supply will slow down to meet the decreasing demand.  (https://www.facebook.com/nhswebsite)

Anything that reduces the amount you feed can harm your milk supply.   If you are away from your baby or top up with formula, expressing can boost milk production.

As well as how much you feed, the time you feed is also important.

Night-time feeds are more effective at boosting supply than daytime ones.   The prolactin hormones which help your body to lactate are higher at night than they are during the day.  (“Prolactin | South Tees Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust”)  It is worth feeding at night if you are struggling with supply.   If your baby has started to sleep through the night, I would be loathe to stop a good thing.   You can express at night, which will still be beneficial for milk production, and doesn’t require settling a little one afterwards. 

Other things that can help with milk production are resting when you can, eating enough yourself and staying hydrated.

If you have a persistent issue with low milk supply or worry your baby is not feeding enough talk to a healthcare worker to get support.

Feeding stations

One thing that can help is to make a feeding station.   You will spend a lot of time feeding, so having somewhere that is comfortable to sit can be a boost.  Make it somewhere comfortable where you have a table or shelf near where you can store things next to you that you might want during feeds.  Stock the area with snacks, a full bottle of water and some sort of entertainment.   I was lucky with my second that the position she fed in meant I could read with a spare hand, with my first my feeding station was near a television as I didn’t have free hands.

Baby falls asleep during feeds

This is an issue that is more common during the first few weeks.  Sometimes little eyes just can’t stay open.   Often this isn’t a problem, but if it gets to the point where your baby isn’t getting enough food it can become a concern.

When should you worry?  Sleepy feeds are only an issue if your baby is not getting enough milk.  You can gauge how much your baby is feeding by looking at nappy output. You should be seeing between four and six wet nappies and three to four dirty nappies a day for a little one. (Wisner, 2021) 

One technique that you can use to help your baby stay awake for feeds is to switch them from one side to the other when they begin to look like they are nodding off.  This can give them the little nudge that they need to keep them awake.  

Other things like stripping your baby down to a nappy can help.  Sometimes a baby can sleep when milk flow slows down so hand expressing can increase the flow and keep your baby engaged in feeding. (“Keeping Baby Awake during Feeding | Happy Baby Organics”)

Baby gets distracted

This is an issue that you are more likely to come across with an older baby.  As our little ones begin to engage with the world around them, they can struggle to focus during feeds and rather become drawn into all the exciting things happening around them.

There are a few simple fixes to this.  The most obvious is to move somewhere quiet and with as few distractions as possible, though this isn’t always possible.  Another simple solution is to invest in a feeding cover.   Some women choose to wear feeding covers for modesty, but they can also be great for keeping babies focused on the task at hand if they are easily distracted.

Try not to worry too much.  A baby won’t starve themselves.  It may be that the quieter night feeds become more substantial, whilst the daytime feeds when there are more interesting things going on, become smaller.  That is okay.

Nipple shields

Nipple shields can be fantastic if used correctly.  A lot of the time you will find healthcare workers are nervous to recommend them.    This is because if they are used incorrectly, they can cause a baby to latch badly, and the poor latch can impact how well they stimulate milk production during feeds.

How to use nipple shields correctly

If you are using nipple shields, ensure that your baby is latched to the base, and is keeping a wide mouth.   Some babies may try to suckle from the tip like a bottle;  If you notice this, try putting a little pressure on babies head to move them lower down the shield and into a proper latch.

How you put on the shield can also have an impact on how well your baby feeds with it.  The medulla nipple shields are designed to be inverted before use to draw in more of the nipple and ensure your baby is latching to a larger area.   Here is a link that explains how to wear a nipple shield. (chris, 2015)

 I personally found the medela shields to be excellent.  They helped to reduce the pain of feeding a lot during both my breastfeeding journeys.

How to wean off using nipple shields

As your baby grows, feeding often becomes easier and you can start to move away from nipple shields.  

When you are ready to stop using your nipple shield, start by using it for the first part of each feed, then remove it.  Latch with the shield as usual. After a few minutes, when your baby is happily feeding, try to slide the shield off and relatch your baby.  It may take a few goes, but in time they will learn to relatch without the shield.  Once you have done a few feeds removing the shield part way through, you can try to start a feed without the shield.

Feeding out and about

Feeding in front of other people is different for every person.  Some people are perfectly comfortable with it, but for others, it can be a cause of great anxiety.   At the end of the day, you need to be happy.  Don’t let other people make you feel guilty about feeding out and about if that is your choice.   Likewise, if you don’t feel comfortable feeding in front of others don’t feel like you must.

A few Tips

Look out for feeding rooms: A growing number of shopping centres and department stores provide nursing areas for mothers.  These can provide somewhere to sit, and privacy if you want it for breastfeeding.   It is worth looking online to see what places are available in case you need them.

Layers are your friend: I was comfortable feeding in front of others. However, I preferred to show as little skin as possible.  Layers helped.  I would wear a stretchy tank top underneath a baggy t-shirt, with a feeding bra underneath.   Before latching, I would reach beneath my t-shirt to unfasten the bra and pull my tank top underneath the breast.  I would then lift the baby to the breast while lifting the baggy t-shirt. Baby will keep the breast covered.   It took a little practice, but in time it became an easy way to feed modestly. If you have a mishap don’t worry.  You are a human, who is keeping another human alive with your body.  Be proud to be you.

When to stop breastfeeding

Experts recommend trying to breastfeed for at least 6 months if you can. (“Breastfeeding – Deciding When to Stop”, 2012)  It is, of course, a personal choice.  Some people find breastfeeding too much pressure, as it means that they always have to be within close proximity to the baby, and aren’t able to let friends and family support as much as they would like.  Others enjoy breastfeeding and want to continue as long as possible.

You will probably know for yourself when it is right to move.   With my firstborn, there came a point where he was losing interest in feeding so stopping was natural.  With my second, she struggled to settle without night feeds so I continued those till about 15 months.  Find what works for you, and don’t feel pressured either way.

Breastfeeding during the first six months is the most beneficial. After that, there is growing evidence that it can still be beneficial.  (Wisner, “Extended Breastfeeding: Can You Nurse for Too Long?”, 2020)

When you have been struggling to breastfeed and can’t continue

The first few months of being a parent are challenging mentally, physically and emotionally.   When you are already worn down struggling to breastfeed can be a devastating blow.   You might feel like breastfeeding is part of what you picture when you envision life with a newborn. If you have to move to formaula it is natural to feel sad, even angry, to find that you have been robbed of that.

Unfortunately, sometimes things in life we want to change are unchangeable.   When that happens, it is okay to be sad. It’s ok to spend a little time mourning the motherhood journey that you were envisaging.  But please don’t stay there.  Your little one will grow faster than you could ever imagine. You don’t want these early days to be dominated by sadness. 

If you are a mother who has been struggling to breast feed, and moved onto formula, you may feel out of control. However, there are things that you can still control. 

Firstly, remember that ‘no’ is a complete sentence.  Just because other people can physically feed your baby, you don’t need to let them.

 The beautiful thing about bottle feeding is that you can look into your baby’s eyes. This is a physical impossibility with breastfeeding.  Perhaps create a personalised playlist for some of your feeds. Make a special feeding place, and bond with your baby through feeds in your own unique way. Remember this too shall pass, choose to make it beautiful.

Yes.  Being a parent is exhausting, you deserve it.

Should I eat cake if I am formula feeding

Yes.  Being a parent is exhausting, you deserve it.

A Final note

Breastfeeding is an extensive and deeply personal topic.   We have looked at a little of the science behind fixing common problems and a few practical tips.  There is so much more information out there if you do want to know more. 

The most important thing to remember is, that while you care for your baby you should care for yourself too.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah Louise

References

“Breastfeeding – Deciding When to Stop.” Vic.gov.au, 2012, www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/HealthyLiving/breastfeeding-deciding-when-to-stop.

chris. “Nipple Shields.” La Leche League GB, 4 Dec. 2015, laleche.org.uk/nipple-shields/. Accessed 21 Jan. 2025.

Gianni, Maria, et al. “Breastfeeding Difficulties and Risk for Early Breastfeeding Cessation.” Nutrients, vol. 11, no. 10, 20 Sept. 2019, p. 2266, www.mdpi.com/2072-6643/11/10/2266, https://doi.org/10.3390/nu11102266.

https://www.facebook.com/nhswebsite. “Milk Supply – Start for Life.” Nhs.uk, 13 June 2023, www.nhs.uk/start-for-life/baby/feeding-your-baby/breastfeeding/breastfeeding-challenges/milk-supply/. Accessed 21 Jan. 2025.

https://www.facebook.com/parents. “Is It Normal for My Baby to Twist and Pull While Breastfeeding?” Parents, 2015, www.parents.com/baby/breastfeeding/is-it-normal-for-my-baby-to-squirm-while-nursing/, https://doi.org/10.1089/bfm.2019.29141. Accessed 14 Jan. 2025.

“Keeping Baby Awake during Feeding | Happy Baby Organics.” Happy Family Organics, www.happyfamilyorganics.com/learning-center/article/how-to-keep-your-baby-awake-during-feedings/.

lois. “Engorged Breasts – Avoiding and Treating.” La Leche League GB, 28 Jan. 2016, laleche.org.uk/engorged-breasts-avoiding-and-treating/. Accessed 4 Dec. 2024.

Modak, Anushree, et al. “A Comprehensive Review of Motherhood and Mental Health: Postpartum Mood Disorders in Focus.” Cureus, vol. 15, no. 9, 29 Sept. 2023, assets.cureus.com/uploads/review_article/pdf/187209/20230929-20001-t9qdii.pdf, https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.46209.

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When you have a baby, you will hear lots of talk about setting a routine. This might not sound like the worst idea. Life with a newborn can feel chaotic.  Babies are little, but they have a huge impact.  A lot of new parents may feel eager to calm the chaos.

Many grown-up humans love predictability and preset plans. Babies, however, come to us unprogrammed, with no concept of time or scheduling. Their constantly changing and unpredictable needs can be exhausting.    Babies are little, but they have a huge impact.  A lot of new parents may feel eager to calm the chaos

So, when can you set a routine for a baby?

Why wait to set a routine?

The most important thing, especially the first few months, is to ensure that your and your baby’s needs are met. 

A fundamental need for your baby is food. There is a lot of debate regarding whether to feed a baby at set times or to feed on demand.

A 2012 study shows feeding a baby on a schedule can be better for the mother’s overall well-being. The same study shows that babies who feed on demand are more successful academically later in life. ^{_{(Lacovou and Sevilla, 2012)}} As with many areas of parenting, there are valid arguments on both sides.

However, if you want to breastfeed up until weaning, feeding on demand is important.

Many mothers stop breastfeeding early, due to problems with their milk supply.  A baby’s natural feeding patterns can help to stimulate milk production. As your little one grows, they need more milk per feed.   Babies can encourage their mother’s body to meet the increasing demands by cluster feeding. Cluster feeding is exhausting, but it works. ^_(USDA)

As your little one grows and develops during these first few months, sleep patterns will fluctuate, too. Although this is normal, it can be exhausting.

Keeping up with the needs of a newborn is hard.  Once the baby is settled, it is important to take care of yourself.   The priority during this stage is keeping everyone well.   The pressure to keep to a schedule too early can add unnecessary stress.  

When should you set a routine for baby?

There are many opinions about the right time to set a routine for your baby.  It is important to remember that while opinions differ, so do babies.  What works for one family may not work for you.

Recommendations can vary from six weeks to six months.  By as early as two months, you may find that a routine is beginning to emerge.  _{^{(Dougherty, 2022)}}  Just remember to be kind to yourself.  It will take time for you and your baby to fall into a working rhythm. 

If a routine hasn’t emerged after a few months, you can begin proactively working towards one. This could take time. You may establish a routine which works beautifully, only to find a few months on it no longer works. Don’t despair. Babies are unpredictable. Adapt where needed, and try again.

For some people, living out of routine is not physically possible.  Modern life puts a lot of demands, on new parents.  If you need to set a routine earlier on, there are some great online resources available from sites like Baby Center. 

The benefits of a routine

Establishing a routine can have advantages for both you and your baby.  For you as a grown-up, having your baby following a routine means you can too. You will also know when your baby is most likely to sleep so you can make plans that are more likely to work. Routines can also reduce your stress and improve your sleep. ^{(Brennan, 2021)}

As your baby grows they will become increasingly aware of the new and unfamiliar world around them.  Having some predictability in their day can be comforting, and help them to feel safe. (“The Benefits of Routines for Babies and Toddlers”)

How to set a schedule for your baby

• Work with what is there.   If a routine is already beginning to emerge naturally, start there. It is better not to change too much, too soon.   If you need to move feeding or sleeping times, move them a little at a time.
• Make bedtimes relaxing.  Choose a few activities to build a bedtime routine with your little one.   You could include things like baths, nighttime feeds, or relaxing music.  Although they may not yet follow along, reading aloud to your newborn can be a bonding experience. Find what works for you.
• Consider a dream feed.  Some experts suggest waking your baby for a dream feed at around ten or eleven PM before you go to sleep.   Dream feeds can prevent your baby from waking up hungry and may improve the night’s sleep for the whole family. ^{(Wisner, 2020)}
• Monitor naps.  It is worth being aware of how much sleep your baby needs.  If a baby sleeps too long, they may not sleep as well at night. Long naps can seem like a blessing but try to keep them under two hours. Naps earlier in the day are better, as they are less likely to impact bedtime.

What a healthy schedule looks like

A healthy schedule should be workable. A workable schedule will look different for every family.  Focus on what benefits both you and your baby.

The most important thing is remembering to be flexible.  When growth and development leaps happen sleep patterns can be drastically affected.  There will also be external factors, which will throw you off routine some days.  If your schedule is already flexible, these changes will have less impact on you and your newborn.  

A final note

When you try to set a routine, for you and baby, it will be a learning curve for you both.  Be patient. If things don’t fall into place at first, adapt if needed and keep trying.   

It is always helpful to build a reliable support system.  Don’t be ashamed to accept help.

When it goes to plan, I am happy for you.  When it doesn’t, breathe. 

The messy moments will pass.  The sweet memories will last.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah

References

Brennan, Dan. “Psychological Benefits of Routines.” WebMD, 25 Oct. 2021, www.webmd.com/mental-health/psychological-benefits-of-routine. Accessed 19 Nov. 2024.

Bell, Sophie. “Seven Steps to Creating a Successful Baby Routine.” BabyCentre UK, Sept. 2021, www.babycentre.co.uk/a1051918/seven-steps-to-creating-a-successful-baby-routine. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

Dougherty, Elizabeth. “Baby Schedules: When to Start a Daily Routine with Your Baby.” BabyCenter, 28 July 2022, www.babycenter.com/baby/schedules/the-basics-of-baby-schedules-why-when-and-how-to-start-a-rou_3658352. Accessed 19 Nov. 2024.

https://www.facebook.com/nhswebsite. “Your Baby’s Sleep Patterns – Start for Life.” Nhs.uk, 13 June 2023, www.nhs.uk/start-for-life/baby/baby-basics/newborn-and-baby-sleeping-advice-for-parents/your-babys-sleep-patterns/. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

https://www.facebook.com/parents. “Cluster Feeding and Newborns: A Guide for Parents.” Parents, 2020, www.parents.com/baby/breastfeeding/problems/cluster-feeding-your-newborn-a-guide-for-parents/. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

Iacovou, Maria, and Almudena Sevilla. “Infant Feeding: The Effects of Scheduled vs. On-Demand Feeding on Mothers’ Wellbeing and Children’s Cognitive Development.” European Journal of Public Health, vol. 23, no. 1, 14 Mar. 2012, pp. 13–19, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3553587/, https://doi.org/10.1093/eurpub/cks012. Accessed 25 Apr. 2019.

Louise, Hannah. “10 Ways to Practice Self-Care as a Parent – Calm to the Storm.” Calm to the Storm, 23 Feb. 2024, www.calmtothestorm.com/10-ways-to-practice-self-care-as-a-parent/. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

NHS. “Helping Your Baby to Sleep.” Nhs.uk, 7 Dec. 2020, www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/caring-for-a-newborn/helping-your-baby-to-sleep/. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

“The Benefits of Routines for Babies and Toddlers.” Babysparks, 1 Autumn 2020, babysparks.com/2020/01/23/the-benefits-of-routines-for-babies-and-toddlers/. Accessed 19 Nov. 2024.

USDA. “Low Milk Supply | WIC Breastfeeding.” Wicbreastfeeding.fns.usda.gov, wicbreastfeeding.fns.usda.gov/low-milk-supply. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

Wisner, Wendy. “Sweet Dreams Are Made of Milk: All about Dream Feeding.” Healthline, Healthline Media, 16 Jan. 2020, www.healthline.com/health/baby/dream-feed. Accessed 19 Nov. 2024.